My dream…is to one day live in a house full of clappers. That is, lights that turn on when you clap at them. I honestly don’t really know why mankind invented them, and then just decided to go right back to the boring old flicking of the switches. How dull. How uninteresting.

And the perfect opportunity to realise my dream is coming up, because the popular UK show ‘Lizard’s Lair’ is coming to Australia. That’s the one where people go in front of a panel of judges and they present their ideas, which are then ruthlessly torn apart because TELEVISION. But every now and then, when it suits the ratings, one of their inventions does actually get some funding. I know so much about LED residential lighting in Melbourne that I think I could draft some kind of blueprint for a home that incorporates the very best of it. It will be the finest LED lighting money can buy, all integrated into a house with one defining feature: clapping. Or clicking, I haven’t really decided. I WILL have decided, by that time, because they’re really harsh on Lizard’s Lair with people who don’t have fully-fleshed-out ideas. My idea will be complete, in its completion, completely.

So basically, there will be sensors all throughout the house, but not quite so sensitive that clapping in the hallway will set off the lights in the kitchen. Of course, it won’t just be the single light in each room: there will be different claps. One loud clap for the main light, a smaller set of rhythmic claps for something smaller, like a stylish lamp. See, this isn’t just for the basic LED lighting variety. Designer LED lighting will totally be included in my plan, and enhanced by the rhythm required to activate it.

I really think the public is going to go for this idea. At the very least, it’ll be very entertaining.