Cool, so I think I just brought everlasting shame upon my entire family. That is, everlasting unless I climb to the top of a very specific mountain in Albajeria with a barrel on my back and sleep in front of a shrine for three nights. So I guess my holiday to Tokyo is going to be put on hold for another couple of years…although I won’t be paying for accommodation, so it might not be so bad.

How was I to know it was the Holy Veneration Cycle of the Ant? Mum and Dad are NOT as into ancient traditions as they want the grandparents to think, so I wouldn’t know. I saw an ant problem developing, so I called the Berwick pest control people to deal with it. I’m an adult now and I haven’t moved out yet, so I thought Mum and Dad would appreciate me taking home matters into my own hands. The ants were all over the living room carpet and it was disgusting, so I did what people do. I called pest control. Because we had pests in the house.

They did great, by the way, very professional. And the aunts, uncles and grandparents arrived for the traditional ceremony where we celebrate our symbiotic relationship with the living creatures of the Earth. MAYBE Mum and Dad could’ve warned me, but they both went to pick up Auntie Yelinn (and drop into IKEA) so they came home to find that all the ceremonial ants were…no longer in their pride of place. Grandfather said it was a horrible omen, so now I’m off to our ancestral homeland.

So I guess before you decide to call in the pest control people from Dandenong or whatever…check with your family whether they were purposefully brought into the house for a sacred ceremony. But they’re probably not. Only my family is still that nuts.